I am scared.
I have been scared for several months. Something is wrong with me health-wise and it is causing me tons of pain and issues. Tomorrow I have an MRI scheduled. And I am not sure what scares me most - that they will find something, or that they WONT find something.
What I want, is for the DR to tell me that a rigorous physical therapy program is OK and might eventually give me my mobility back. That there are no tumors, no stones, no body parts about to explode. I want to know that the day I had to use a motorized cart to get around Publix this month was an exception and won't ever happen again. I want to be able to spend the day at the Zoo and enjoy it, instead of walking bench to bench and sitting down wanting to cry.
I am 50 years old next Saturday. And while I should expect to experience some discomfort, I know this isn't the norm. I am jealous of the 60+ year old women who look and act so much younger than me! I want that!
I want to be able to enjoy events with my teens, or walk my dogs, or even get up in the morning and not feel like rolling into a ball somewhere.
I think I might be more accepting of things if I knew WHAT was causing it and that there is a treatment plan. That it will get better and not worse. That there is something that can be done, or that I can do.. to recover and that I am not doomed to a future of more of this. I am going to make a very poor senior citizen at this rate. I don't handle this kind of pain well. The pain killers my doctor gives me, are either ineffective, or the kind that I won't take (narcotic) so I'm sort of pressed between the wall jam there. If this is normal for my age? Then I just discovered the cause of Alzheimers, because daily narcotic pain killer use for stuff like this will definitely kill brain cells. I refuse to be come a zombie from pain meds, so there HAS to be another option.
Sigh. I am rambling on again, but that is what this is for, right? Anyway, my fingers are crossed, and I am in prayer. God will pull me through this. I just have to remind my self to let him do it.
